I Want To Want The 3DS

Sexy like a chocolate strawberry


At one point I bought into the Apple-caliber hype machine that Nintendo has built. I spouted off all kinds of things like "I am going to buy this day one." Of course I later realized that I was simply lying to myself. I haven't owned a handheld from Nintendo since the DS "Fat" launch (I later sold the device...six months later). The fact is, I don't really like any of the software offerings on the DS. I never have and I probably never will. Now before you write me off, it really comes down to a matter of preference. I prefer the PSP over the DS, but I now no longer own either.

Nintendo dominates the handheld market in a way Sony can only dream of. I respect everything they do, but as I've aged and matured (sort of), so have my tastes in what I play. When the 3DS launched I got wrapped in what I like to call "Word of Mouth Syndrome". This is when people verbally masturbate to said product at such an absurd level that you can't help but acknowledge it. This is usually on major social networking sites within the first week of the products launch. This can pretty much apply to anything, this isn't exclusive to Nintendo. So now that things have calmed down, let me ask you a valid question: Why should I buy a 3DS? What does it offer me that an iPhone 4 or PSP doesn't(obvious hardware differences aside).

I had the opportunity to play the 3DS and I wasn't impressed. I played Pilot Wings for about 45 minutes before the 3D made me so nauseous I just vomited all over the unit. I wept and was dry heaving for about 20 minutes before I felt comfortable enough to go back to it.  That's a total lie, but you understand the point I'm trying to make. I hate 3D.

The 3D functionality means absolutely nothing to me when it comes to whether or not I would purchase the 3DS. I think it's a gimmick that will lose its luster after a while. Some developers will find creative ways to incorporate 3D into their titles, but ultimately who cares about 3D? A very small contingent of early adopters, techies, and fanboys is who. Thankfully you can turn the 3D function off, which essentially makes the selling point of the device.

I played Pilot Wings for about 45 minutes before the 3D made me so nauseous I just vomited all over the system. I wept uncontrollably and was dry heaving for about 20 minutes before I felt comfortable enough to go back to it.  That's a total lie, but you understand the point I'm trying to make.

When the 3DS isn't busy ruining peoples lives being the overblown health hazard it is , it also manages to continue to have an antiquated online system in place. It still boggles my mind just how incapable Nintendo is when it comes to streamlining online play. It all seems so cumbersome and clunky, especially when everybody else seems to have a grasp on the concept. Yes, Nintendo will improve their online functionality in the future. They really don't have a choice if they want to remain competitive in that respect. The virtual console and plans for apps is very exciting stuff, it just would have been nice to see these things at launch.

If you hate me right now, that's fine, but the screwed up thing about all of this is that I want a 3DS. I just know how I am. I will buy it, love it for a brief period of time, and never play it again. The 3DS isn't groundbreaking in anyway to me, then again it doesn't really need to be. We know it will sell, that has never been the issue, I just wish Nintendo would assert themselves more as the top dog in the arena.

Simply improving graphics and adding a faddish 3D function doesn't automatically make it the shit. They should go out  there with some gusto by improving their shortcomings and solidifying their strengths. It would be nice to see Nintendo rely less on regurgitated first party titles and focus on expanding third party support. Down the road this will inevitably happen, but I'm speaking on the sad batch of launch titles. Nintendo seems like they half-assed this launch because they know they can.

Skating by milking their first party franchises and ignoring the glaring flaws of their horrible Internet function will only take them so far.The handheld market has much more competition now and I feel Nintendo hasn't done enough to my earn my cash. Where is the value in that $250.00? I just can't see it, and maybe that's the problem. I can't understand why people are okay with this. Maybe I'm oblivious to what is so magical about the 3DS and that's why I may never be worthy of owning one.

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